written 10/24/07 @ 9:04pm

Me and Lou Reed get Loaded and Sing the Blues


The crackle of my old records
trails through the tubes,
finds it's way to the speaker's
speckled doorway,
squeezing through each hole.
They were made for each other
as I was made to be sitting here
absorbing the sound.
The needle skims across the vinyl.
I move it to the fifth break
in the spiraling pattern,
and I'm finally home.

I lay on the hardwood floor
built for me,
for this moment,
beneath me.
The fan above watches
as I spin
still like stones.
I sink into the ground
losing touch with the warrior I left
falling behind.
While cigarette smoke fills the room,
it pours through the cracks beneath the doorway
bouncing off each wall,
billowing down the concrete corridor.

I am weightless in an ocean of tones
echoing a vibration of waves
that wash over me.
I look over at the stacks of records
I placed half-heartedly
under the coffee table.

There is a knock at the door.

My impending rise from nirvana
has arrived.
So I lift my weathered bones
and leave my sanity lying
naked on the floor.

wondering why political figures are laying naked together on the cover of Radar.
i'm not so sure what to think about all this...

it's not so bad.

maryanne found my ballet slippers from when i was a little girl.
she put them in a shadow box for me.

i think i'm still a little girl.
i need to grow up soon.
before it's too late.

what did i think would happen? have i left myself in the dark for so long that i'm incapable of realizing what is beyond this shadow?
he still lies to me, he still keeps secrets. there's only so much i can do, before i push him away, before i stop caring.
i don't want to stop caring. has he?
i always thought that if i held you tightly, then you would love me like you did back then. but my arms have exploded and i sit here lifeless.
i wish i could write better songs, better poems. take better pictures. think better thoughts. say what would be so ideal for you.
i can't. it seems like nothing is enough anymore. maybe nothing was ever enough.
you know me now, and i;m dissapointing you.
there's so much more that happened between him and her. and her. and her. and her. and her.
that i don't know about. i am completely vulnerable.
i don't want to be left in the dark.
but does any of it really matter anymore?

you know you have my heart.

The wires strewn across the road
connecting patterned city streets
that drove through my memories
and led me back to June.
Remembering
Germany,
Japan.
Though, I could only relate them
to the stage on which you sang
the words that seemed to
flow from you with ease.
This three minute lullaby
cannot last forever,
will not trail into the night
as it once did
that summer in Tennessee.

We made way through the fields
taking cover under rays of sunlight.
Laying skin to skin
while beads of salt
moved between us.
Painting landscapes with psychedelics;
the drops of love that
were placed so eloquently
in our dusty palms.
Shakedown Street saved our lives that night.

With every blink
my eyes glazed over
orange
then pink,
reminding me of that moment
when life felt perfectly balanced
with every blade of grass
that became my
unexpected pillow.
And you stood next to me,
a million steps away,
singing me to sleep.

this is a photo from my birthday, before we went out to dinner...

so this is my first entry for this journal. i just got a new macro lens so i thought i should send out some good vibes and post my newest photographs...